I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
