I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
