While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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