Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
