I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
