He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
