Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
