No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't deserve a penis
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
