I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
