you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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