The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
