Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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