I will die if light touches me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
