i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
being pregnant is like rehab
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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