those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
