Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
