If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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