I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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