Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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