I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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