I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
