it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
