Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
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I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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