i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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