The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
