i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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