if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
It was confusing and full of hummus
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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