Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
