seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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