im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
