Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
