so that wasnt chicken after all
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
