Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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