Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
