i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
