Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
