hotel room ftw
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
