im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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