She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
