Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
