I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
