I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
