it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
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i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.