how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?