I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?