Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
