Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
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found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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