I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
