If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
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I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
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No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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