Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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