you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
