I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Semen is not good for contacts.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
