She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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