I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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