so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
