She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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