Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
