I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
